Akalain Mo 'Yon?: Reflecting on five years at work

The last time I have written for this blog is back in 2020, early during the lockdown, and I even at that time I have lost the appetite to sustain the posts. There were a lot of things that happened since then that could have prompted me to return to this blog, but it took five years of a career as a Special Features Writer, then Assistant Editor, then Editor, to bring me back to this blog; and I'm not even sure I can return with another blog post afterwards. For this post, I share my thoughts about those five years at work, which I'm still amazed I had the patience to endure. I wrote all that I could reflect about those five years. I feel that even those aren't enough. But to anybody who's reading this, thank you for your time.

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Akalain mo 'yon? That's what I say to myself in every work anniversary so far. But this time, I think I shouldn't stop with that question.

It was five years ago when I started writing for a living, typing in front of a computer at the office in Balete Drive Extension the whole day. Add to that riding the bus, MRT, then jeep to office and back almost every day. Soon, I would cover events in Makati or elsewhere (then go around a mall afterwards). The pandemic came and eventually I would get such tasks done at home, sitting on a sofa at home with the radio on the background, except for some days where I would get back to office for a meeting or even a lunch given to the whole department. The post-pandemic days also witnessed my first event coverage overseas, in Singapore. 

Yet, a year ago (aside from a few months back in 2021), work changed when I was the one next in line to succeed my editor. From turning in articles, briefs, and other kinds of writeups, I have been the one giving article and event assignments; editing drafts and closing Special Features pages; gathering press releases, editing them, and compiling them for layout; churning out ideas I honestly sometimes am not so sure if they ever make sense; and overseeing a team and giving my best efforts to care for them. Who would have known that after five years, career would turn out that way? Yeah, akalain mo 'yon?

I've been convinced that these past five years I've been responding to what I've considered a calling I neither expected nor planned. I can really say I have found fulfillment in doing this work in many ways—whether an article gets in print or a tweet gets deployed and is well received—and at times it's been fun. More than the event giveaways, the travelling opportunities, and the chance to get good food and drinks, it's been the people I closely work with—both those who are still there and those who have moved forward—the convos, the laughs, the comfort and support we give each other, that make work fun and the journey still worthwhile.

But now, as I hold a greater responsibility, I know for myself it is not always easy and it is not always happy. It is almost a battle every day. More recently, this meant disrupted schedules and sleepless nights, because you don't want your team waiting long to prepare a page, because you want your colleagues to finally get what they asked so they can proceed with other work, because you want to avoid the inconvenience of being followed up.

I think I spread myself thin.

The battle also consisted of moments of doubting my ability: Do I really produce something meaningful, or are they just shallow, especially in the eyes of people you look up to—literally? Are my titles, or ours from the team, really okay? Should this output have been better? Do I ask stupid questions? Do I care for my team enough; what else could I do?

Am I really good enough?

As I lately wrote in a haiku:

I just wanted to
write; now I always worry
if I get things right.

06/01-02/23#hainaku

— Adrian Paul Conoza (@adzjustakid) June 1, 2023

Perhaps, the more immersed one is into work and the higher kind of role one takes, the more he or she can feel foolish about what he or she knows about work (unless one looks so high of himself or herself) and so yearn to learn and become wiser—if there's anything else out there to learn.

And more often than not, the battle has been undeniably a comparison with peers, friends, and colleagues past, drifting me off wondering whether I deserve a happy life as much as they currently do. I don't want to feel hopeless, maybe it's just that I feel I'm hardly getting to enjoy life; or I'm hardly finding those simple joys in life recently unlike before; or maybe I'm looking at social media too much.

But then, I'm brought back to how God sees me through what I have reached this far. It was Him sustaining me along the way, providing in unexpected ways, bringing those small and big joys in the midst of a hard knocked life. Why have I been thinking those thoughts when I should be reminded that I have value in the One who created me in my innermost being and has saved me through Jesus Christ? All the glory goes back to Him! 

Maybe I've drifted away from where I should place my identity and confidence on. Maybe I have sought meaning and worth from profession so that I won't be defined by what I do not do, or by the errands that I do outside work. Shouldn't that meaning and identity be found on Him who has created and sustained me; He who holds it all together; He who works all things for good?

I haven't thought I'd record another moment in life in haiku. Hoping to share it soon, but here's one of the parts I find interesting:

Have I forgotten
who I really am because
of what I've become?#hainaku

— Adrian Paul Conoza (@adzjustakid) June 27, 2023

I have to remind myself that I shouldn't be seeking for praise from anybody, while also welcoming to any genuine appreciation and constructive criticism. Whose voice will really matter? Whose approval will really matter? Isn't that "Well done, good and faithful servant" from God? And whose happiness will really matter than my own?

I told myself last year I will give my promotion a year and see afterwards what's the next step to take. I even wrote a plan of what I will do within that year, but I admit I hardly reached anything in those list, just because I was so engrossed in finishing one assignment, writeup, or supplement after another. But I still have that opportunity to figure out what are the next things to do. 

For now, all I know is that, since Day 1, it's the people I work with who make my work still worthwhile and fulfilling. 

Whether I'll tell myself again "Akalain mo yun?" in the next years—and where—only the future can reveal.

But for now, cheers to five years.

We will go on, and hopefully we'll figure out how we move forward whatever life throws at us.

I trust Him to guide me further, and I pray He finds me faithful.

And I also pray, as rock band Mister Mister prayed back in the 80's:

Kyrie eleison down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie eleison on a highway in the night